Stage Two
by Miss DiNozzo
Summary: I should have guessed everything would catch up to me one day. My life before the bureau was a dark time, filled with mistakes, regrets, and failures. I've tried for years to put it all behind me and move on, my graduation from the FBI and assignment in Graceland giving me a chance to start fresh. For a while everything was great, but when I heard the tragic news, my heart stopped.
1. Taking it

I should have guessed everything would catch up to me one day. My life before the bureau was a dark time, filled with mistakes, regrets, and failures. I have tried for years to put it all behind me and move on, and with my graduation from the FBI and assignment in Graceland, I was getting a chance to start fresh. My life was once again a blank canvas, and I was the artist. The painting was beginning to look like a beautiful Rose period Van Gogh, but my masterpiece took a nosedive at the news. The canvas was splattered with black spots, a symbol of my scattered and incoherent thoughts. It felt like a bullet piercing my side. When she spoke the words, my heart stopped.

…

I wake up to the sound of waves crashing against the shore. Realizing quickly where I am, I stretch my stiff muscles and head for the house. I determine that I fell asleep last night thinking about what happened. I had gone out to the beach for fresh air and a chance to clear my head. My body is stiff from sleeping on the sand.

The sun hasn't risen yet, and neither have my roommates. I take advantage of the time alone and station myself in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal, but my focus won't shift from the dread. I can't bring myself to eat more than a few spoonfuls, despite the fact that I should be hungry after missing dinner. I have no appetite. I have no desire to see anyone. I have no reason to keep breathing. And it scares the hell out of me.

I don't know how long I sit there before cleaning up my dishes. Any minute now, the others will wake. Desperate for seclusion, I climb the stairs sluggishly to my room. I unset the alarm on my bedside table and sit down on the bed's edge. The feeling of numbness slowly erodes and gives way to the pain of my heart's shattering. I have never felt this level of agony in my lifetime, and what makes it worse is that I can do nothing about it. My composure dissolves as the hot tears begin to stream down my cheeks.

…

"Morning." I sit down to breakfast ala Briggs and shove a couple of bites into my mouth. Only Charlie is in the kitchen with me. My questions about the locations of my roommates are put on hold by another steaming bite of my delicious omelet. Man, can Paul cook. After swallowing, I voice my curiosity. "So where is everybody?"

"Um... Briggs, Johnny, and Jakes went surfing—"

"Jakes? Surfing?" I interject.

"Yeah, it's twisted. Let's see. Lauren's with her Russian sweetheart, and Mike is… I don't know where Mike is." She pauses in contemplation. "Maybe he went surfing with the guys?"

"Well, his bedroom door was closed when I came down. Did you see him at all?"

"No, I guess I didn't. Good luck with your search. I've got to go." She places her dishes in the sink before walking out.

There's still no sign of Mike after I finish my breakfast, so I decide to go looking for him. I wander to his bedroom door and knock, but there is no response, so I go in. Mike is lying face down across his bed, his limbs sprawled out.

"Mike?" I ask hesitantly. He isn't moving, but his chest is rising and falling steadily.

"Go away, Paige." His muffled voice sounds choked. I sit down next to him on the bed. Something is obviously wrong. Is he sick? Hurt? I can't tell.

"I said go away." Mike's voice returns.

"No." He rolls onto his back and stares at me with pained eyes that fill my heart with sadness and confusion. "What's wrong, Mike?"

He continues to stare at me, but something inside of him breaks and tears come rolling out of his eyes. We sit unmoving for a long time before he speaks.

"Cancer, Paige." My mind goes completely blank. Cancer? What is he talking about? I'm only certain of one thing. I have to keep him talking.

"Who has cancer, Mike? What do you mean?" More tears slip down his cheeks. He's broken inside and I don't know why.

"She's in a hospital in New York. I guess it's a great one… She's so young…"

"Who is? Who is it Mike?"

"Ella."

"Who is Ella?"

He opens his mouth to say something, but no sound comes out. I hold his sobbing frame close to me in a hug. He stutters, trying to form words, but it isn't working.

"Shhh, Mike, shhh…" I attempt to comfort him. "Who is Ella?"

He regains some level of composure and is finally able to speak. "My four year old daughter." I freeze as he breaks down again. His _daughter?_ "You have to promise not to tell anyone," He whispers through his tears. I don't know how to respond to this. Everything is so confusing. This is just so much to take in. Mike has a daughter in New York. She has cancer.

"I promise."


	2. Dreams and Wishes

My heart is broken. I can't even imagine how he feels; I'm devastated and I don't even know the girl. Hell, until this morning, I didn't even know _of _her. Four years old and dying of stage two leukemia… No. Not dying. Only diagnosed. But why didn't Mike want anyone to know? We're his family and he really needs the support right now. And why did he keep her a secret? He's trying to face this alone. Why isn't he on a plane right now going to be with her? My mind is filled with questions that I doubt I will ever get answers to.

…

Talking to Paige helped. Sometimes it's good to have someone who will listen and let you cry your soul out. Now I've cried myself dry. I have no more tears. I don't have words, either. I don't talk to anyone. I avoid them if possible. I cloister myself in my room with music or a book. I walk along the shore and find seashells. I leave for extended periods of time. Gone before they wake, back after they turn in. No one sees me except for Paige. She understands what I know no one else would. She tells me about the case progressions and distracts me. She makes me feel better. It's nice to know she's there. She asks me questions about it, sometimes, though. I don't really answer her. Even thinking about it is painful. Everything hurts. Talking hurts. Smiling hurts. Breathing knowing my daughter might stop hurts. What if I don't get to see her grow up?

Her mother, Caroline, and I had so many dreams for her. We were going to be a family. When Ella was born, we called her our angel. She was an unexpected addition to our twosome. She saved our marriage. Anyone who could end the conflict between Carrie and I was deserving of more than a halo and wings. Certainly deserving of more than Ella had been given. We were going to live our happily ever after. We were going to show our daughter the world and teach her everything she needed to know to live a good life. We were going to raise her right. See her go to school for the first time, see her graduate. Help her find a man that made her happy. Walk her down the aisle. Hold our grandchildren. All of that seems like a distant dream now.

Our perfect world fell apart when Ella turned two. Whatever had kept our marriage together was gone and we fought again just like we used to. Caroline broke down and asked for a divorce. We split up and never spoke unless we had to. We were each given partial custody of our angel. Just like that, all of our dreams had to be modified. Now it was going to be _Caroline and I _showing her the world, not _we. _I had some demented hope that everything would be okay. But, clearly, everything is not okay. My baby has cancer and I can't be with her. The court revoked my rights to custody when I joined the FBI, saying it wasn't a lifestyle to put a kid into the middle of. When I pulled out so I could be with Ella, Caroline fed the court bullshit lies and our daughter became solely hers. When Caroline wouldn't even let me see pictures of Ella or talk to her, I knew I was going to be out of my child's life completely. I surrendered. My life was empty after that, so I joined back up with the Bureau. But even the distraction of a job that risked my life couldn't keep my mind off of Ella.

I live like a zombie. I see the way the others look at me when I pass them in the house. They don't have a clue about anything that is going on. They don't get it. It's been almost eleven days since I heard. No one knows a thing about it but Paige. She made good on her promise to keep quiet. I know she's worried. So are the others. But I'm not ready to tell them yet. They don't need to be weighed down by my troubles. I'd rather stand the storm alone than make them suffer, too. I haven't gotten any updates on her condition, so all I can do is wait. She was the light that brought me out of the dark places when Caroline and I would argue. She would hug me and tell me it was okay. In her naiveté, she really thought it was. I loved it when she hugged me. I miss her soft hands and young voice, her beautiful blonde hair and her sweet brown eyes.

The sun sets each night and I remember when Ella and I used to watch it together. It was our little secret. We'd lie out on the back deck and look at stars for hours. She would point to the brightest ones. Sometimes, we'd even use a telescope. She and I laughed and told each other our secrets. We would marvel in the beauty together, pointing out constellations and wishing on stars. Now I sit alone, but I know that somewhere in the world, an entire continent away, a little girl is watching them too. I peer up at the crimson night sky and make a wish.


	3. The Photograph

My watch reads four A.M. I'm sitting out on the dock because I can't sleep. During one of my outings, I saw a little girl who looked exactly like Ella. The face has been haunting me for the past few hours. I hold in my hand the one picture of Ella that Caroline let me keep. It was her and I sitting on a dock on Lake Michigan. We vacationed there one summer before the divorce. Ella is sitting on my shoulders, fistfuls of my hair in her hands. She is grinning down at me and I am looking up at her with a smile plastered on my face. This is my favorite photo of us together. A single tear of happy remembrance slips down my cheek.

"What's that?" Brigg's voice scares me. I anticipated being alone all morning, so his sudden presence was a shock.

"A picture; it's from a couple of years ago." I leave it at that. I can't bring myself to tall him anything else.

"Who's that on your shoulders?" Oh, God. He's asking about Ella. I don't even answer Paige when she asks about her. How am I supposed to answer Briggs? I debate about whether or not to tell him.

"Ella."

"Who is this little Miss Ella?" He wants more information. I decide not to respond to him. It's too painful. When he can tell I'm not going to answer, he sits down next to me and looks off at the water. He just stares intently at it for a few moments.

"You know, Mike, we're all worried about you." I close my eyes and turn my head away from him. "You hardly eat, you're not talking to anyone, you're always alone… Two weeks ago, you were just fine; happy and focused. What happened?"

My heart clenches. Do I tell him or don't I? I fiddle with my watch to pass the time. I don't think I'll be able to hold it together if he asks again. Tears well in my eyes as I think about my girl, sitting in a hospital, dying for all I know. The last thought does me in. The tears overflow and fall down my cheeks. Briggs sits silently until I regain control of my emotions.

"Ella is…" I trail off, unsure of my next statement. "Ella is my daughter." Briggs does a double take. His expression changes from one of and worry to one of shock and confusion.

"Your… daughter?" Paul asks hesitantly.

"Ella is two in this picture. She'll be five on April eighteenth." If she lives that long.

"Why didn't you tell us about her before?" His expression softens.

I take a deep breath to steady myself and continue. We've gone so far already; Why not just blow up this entire 'I have a happy family at home' scenario?

"She's kind of a tough topic for me. Her mother got full custody after the divorce two years ago. The court took her away because I joined the bureau. I dropped out to be with Ella, but Caroline lied to retain her full custody over Angel."

Briggs blinks in confusion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was married. I'm divorced. I have a kid. She's almost five. Big deal. I wish he would stop asking me questions about it. I'm almost at my breaking point on the subject.

"But why the sudden self seclusion if this all happened two years ago?" Briggs asks.

"I made peace with the divorce and living arrangements. Caroline cut me out of Ella's life, and I had to deal with it. I moved on. I went back to Quantico. I'm here in Graceland. I'm over that. What I'm stuck on now is a phone call I got a couple of weeks ago." I pause to hold the tenuous grip I have on my composure. Briggs looks at me expectantly. "It's cancer."

Briggs looks lost. He's as speechless as I am. He moves towards me and, in a very un-Briggs manner, envelopes me in a hug. My emotions betray me as the tears begin to fall again.

"She's in New York in some children's hospital. One of the nurses called to notify me." A long moment passes between us.

"Go."

"What?"

"Go. Be with your daughter. Screw the judicial system. See her." Briggs is adamant.

"Are you serious?" He nods his head. He's just given me permission to ditch my ops and see my daughter. Words fail me as I wrap him in a grateful hug and run off for the house. He calls after me.

"Get some sleep, first! You don't want to look like that when you see Ella!" I smile as I dash back to the house. Briggs's instructions have given me hope. I feel like I have something to live for.


	4. Support

I throw together a suitcase as quickly as I can. My heart is jumping for joy at the thought of seeing Ella for the first time in two years. Will she even recognize me? I laugh softly at my own stupidity. She's my daughter. Of course she'll recognize me. I am, however, a little worried about seeing Caroline again. She will probably be a mess. I wonder idly how she's been coping. Maybe she found someone to share her burdens with. Perhaps she got remarried; I haven't gotten an alimony bill in a while. My head is spinning. I need to see her.

I grab my bag and rush for the door. I stop dead in my tracks when a thought occurs to me. What if Caroline doesn't let me see her? Momentarily panicking, I crumble to the ground. In my head, I've been building up the moment I see her, and it never occurred to me that I might not get to. I grip my hands to my head and lay on my back. The cool floor helps clear my head. She'll let me see her. She'll have to. My body relaxes, and for the first time since the news reached me, I feel myself hoping; truly hoping, not the false hope that accompanies denial. I am ready for anything now.

"Slip, Mike?" Paige catches me off guard and I jump to my feet. When I realize that it's her, I breathe a deep breath. "I didn't mean to scare you." She smiles at me.

"Nah. I'm just a little worried about what might happen when I get there. But I'm ok," I reassure her. She doesn't look convinced. "Really. I am."

She pauses and looks me over, as if checking to make sure I'm ok. She runs her fingers over the bags under my eyes. She stops when she reaches my stomach. "Have you eaten today? And do you plan to sleep anytime soon?" I internally groan. No, I haven't eaten. Slept? Nope. I just need to be with Ella. I know Paige is just looking after me, but I really need to go. She takes in my slightly annoyed expression. What does she want?

"So you haven't?" I smile guiltily and she sighs. "At least eat something before you go. We don't want you passing out." I agree grudgingly and we head to the kitchen. Paige pours me a bowl of cereal and sits down across from me. She watches me meticulously as I take each bite. I hadn't realized how long a time it had been since I last sat here and actually ate. Slowly, the others wander in. They join Paige and me at the table. Briggs pats my back when he arrives. Charlie offers me a smile. Jakes playfully punches my arm. Johnny isn't nearly as subtle as the others. He shouts my name and wraps me in a bear hug.

"MIKEY! Where the hell have you been?" I smile weakly as he laughs and walks around the island. The others are all staring at me. I want to clean up my dishes and leave, but I feel like it would be rude to leave them all hanging.

"Hi."It's the first word I've spoken to anyone but Briggs or Paige in almost two weeks. They're all open mouthed for a moment before murmuring a collective hello.

"How are you guys?" I try to make small talk to fill the awkward silence.

"We should be asking you how you are," Johnny points out. "I mean, man, you disappeared. You haven't talked to anybody. I mean, that's not normal." I cringe internally. I wonder if they know I've been talking to Paige and Paul. I decide to leave that out. "Are you okay?"

"I will be," I look accusingly at Paige, "as soon as I leave for the airport." Johnny and the others look confused.

"The airport? Where are you going now?" Charlie asks.

"I'm going to get a standby ticket to New York. If a flight is open, I'll be on it."

"Why are you going to New York?" Jakes asks. No one seems to notice the lack of confusion or concern on Paige and Briggs's faces. I take a breath to keep myself from going over the edge.

"I'm headed to Mount Sinai Kravis Children's hospital. I need to visit a little girl."

"Show them the picture you showed me, Mike. It will help them understand," Paul pipes up. The others look between him and Paige. Jakes rests his gaze on Briggs.

"Wait… He talked to you?" He asks in a daze.

"And to me," Paige adds. Charlie looks pissed at first, but her anger turns to relief. I pull out the picture of Ella and me to pass around the table. When I pull it out, I catch a glimpse of her sparkling eyes and dazzling smile, my baby girl so full of life. It breaks my heart to know she isn't that way right now. She's in immense pain. My strength falters and a tear makes its way down my cheek. Paige rubs it off with her thumb and rubs soothing circles on my back as the photo makes its way around the table. When it reaches Paige she hands it to me face down.

"Who's that?" Charlie asks softly. Another tear slips and is dutifully caught by Paige. She's really been a great support in this. I can barely squeak the word out. It is a nearly inaudible whisper.

"Ella." The tears are flowing full force now and Paige leads me to the couch for some privacy. In the kitchen, Briggs is filling the crew in on my situation. I hear a series of gasps followed by more of Briggs's soft explanation. There is another gasp. He must have told them about the cancer. Paige soothes me. I don't know what I would do without her support. An idea strikes me unexpectedly, like a slap to the face.

"Paige," I say shakily, "Come with me to New York. I don't want to be alone. You've been there for me whenever I needed it. Please." She pokes her head around to face me and nods her answer. Johnny, Charlie, Jakes, and Briggs show up then by the couch and surround me in a group hug. It's good to know that there are people in this world that I can count on.


	5. Holy Shit

"Mike! Get in position," Briggs calls through my headpiece. I follow the instructions carefully and crouch down by the door. A sound comes from inside. "There's the signal. Go." I slink into the building and make my way towards an office area. _Find the file, Mike, find the file._ I slip inside the enclosed space and open the drawers. I rummage through the contents as quickly as I can. I find the file in the bottom right drawer and prepare to make my escape.

"Going somewhere?" A thick Russian voice purrs. The large man points his gun at me. "Too bad. You won't be going anywhere." The gun fires.

…

I jolt up. I'm sweating from head to toe. I breathe a sigh of relief when I realize that it was only a dream. Paige and I are still sitting on the plane. I feel Paige's hand on my arm and look up to find her deep eyes fixed on me. I smile weakly at her.

"Dream." She tightens her grip around my arm. I grasp her hand and rub my thumb in circles on her hand in a soothing gesture. She closes her eyes and goes back to sleep.

The plane is utterly silent. Silence allows a person to think. I often do my best thinking in silence. But silence doesn't just allow thought. It lets you wallow. Wallowing is something I'm good at. I wallowed in self pity when I heard I was being shipped off to Graceland. I wallowed in grief when I heard that Ella had leukemia. I can't let myself do that, or it will pull me back into the darkness. I think back to the dream and the gunshot. It isn't real. But what if it were real? I wouldn't be there for Ella if she needed me. I never really considered her as needing me; she had Caroline. I moved on with my life. But what if she did need me? Would I be there?

…

The plane lands eighteen minutes early in Terminal C of the John F. Kennedy International airport. Paige and I quickly grab our luggage and hail a cab to our hotel. The Holiday Inn isn't exactly five star worthy, but it was the best I could do on such short notice. I doubted I would be sleeping there anyway. I only booked a hotel as a courtesy to Paige. In fact, only one king bed occupied the room. I will be staying at the hospital. The hotel is just an easy way to stow my clothing and a place to come home to for a shower in the morning.

Paige is being very gracious about all of this. She understands my jitteriness about being here. Seeing Ella and Caroline is incredibly nerve wracking for me and she is taking it in stride. She rubs my shoulders as we sit in the cab from the hotel to the hospital. The drive is almost over and my nervousness has skyrocketed. I don't know what to expect when I go into her hospital room. Will she be hooked up to IV tubes? Bald? I just don't know.

"She'll love it," Page says softly with a reassuring smile, motioning to the small, pink, teddy bear in my hands. I had considered putting together a basket with all manner of toys, books, and games, but knew that the bear would mean so much more to my Ella than everything else. She prefers more intimate gestures that come from the heart. I just hope she'll remember who I am, call me daddy or something. She hasn't seen me in a while.

My heart lurches into my throat as the taxi pulls up next to the hospital. My little girl is inside. _My little girl is inside._ I almost leap out of the cab in a rush of bravery and need. I need to see her. I don't care what her mother says about it. Paige struggles to keep up with my rapid pace towards the nurses' station inside the hospital. When we arrive, she is finally able to catch her breath.

"We're here to see Ella Warren," I calmly tell the nurse. She smiles at us and puts the name into the patient browser. We wait while it loads. When the search concludes, the nurse looks puzzled.

"We don't have any patients by that name."

"Caroline," I mutter under my breath. "Why don't we try Ella Olmstead?" The nurse puts the name into the browser and comes up with a match.

"Floor 9, Room 36." Paige and I hustle to an empty elevator and quickly close the doors. We begin our ascent.

"Ella _Olmstead?_" Paige questions me, putting extra emphasis on the last name. I stare at the ceiling of the elevator.

"Caroline is a bitch, Paige." I lower my gaze to face her. "She changed Ella's last name from mine to hers to ensure that she removed all traces of Mike Warren from her daughter. I bet that if she could have, she would have had all of my DNA extracted from Ella, too." Paige looks shocked at my statement, but then resolves to a thoughtful and reserved expression as if such a thing should be expected from Caroline. And it should be.

We lazily exit the elevator and saunter into the ninth floor lobby. Paige and I look around for any hints that would direct us to room thirty-six. We must look lost or have stood there a moment too long, because a nurse at the front desk notices our seeming confusion.

"May I help you?" The attractive brunette in pink scrubs inquires. She seems much too young to be a nurse, let alone out of college. I pause for a moment to look around the station before answering her.

"Yes. We're here to see Ella Olmstead," I state confidently, my rush of excitement from earlier returning. She looks warily at Paige and me, as if speculating.

"Are you the couple that is looking into adopting Ella? I was told to expect a man and a woman around four thirty." Her query causes my face to contort in confusion. A couple is coming to adopt Ella? _Adopt? _My mind is racing. Ella isn't even up for adoption; Caroline is her guardian. At least I thought Caroline was her guardian. What the hell is going on?

"There is an adoption underway?" I ask shakily and the nurse nods slowly, unsure of what to make of my reaction. "But how is that possible? Caroline Olmstead, Ella's mother, still has parental rights… Doesn't she?"

The nurse's perplexed expression fades tone of sympathy. "Caroline died nine months ago in a car accident. Ella's been in a foster care service since the accident." I stare at the nurse like she has two heads. Foster care? What? "How do you know Ella?" She asks gently. Tears threaten to surface as my heart breaks.

"Ella is my daughter."


	6. It's Her

When the nurse and I finally conclude our lengthy conversation about Ella's home situation and the custody battle, she warns me that my baby girl is sleeping. I nearly explode with anxiety as I put my hand on the doorknob. I'm still shaken up by the fact that Ella has been in and out of foster homes and that Caroline is dead. I severely hope this will be a part of her life that she is too young to remember, but I doubt I will get my wish. Things like this tend to stick with you. I muster all of the courage that I have inside of me and open the door to Ella's room.

The bright room is filled with the scent of flowers. Something tells me they did the room up just for Ella. The walls are purple with light green polka dots. The curtains have clip art style trees on them, and the design of the rug on the floor is the same. A large lime green couch lies in the corner of the surprisingly cheery room. There are balloons on a table that read "Get well" and "Feel better."A flat screen occupies the center of a white built in shelving system. The other surfaces of the built in are littered with pictures. They're all in cute little frames that have quotes on them. There are pictures of Caroline and Ella walking on the beach, Ella with Caroline's parents, a small picture of the dog we owned for a brief while (that Ella named Cookie), Ella's friends, and I wager a guess that the others are of foster families and providers.

One picture on the very end sticks out to me. It is of Ella and me lying under the stars. We are on towels. Ella's is bright pink with seashells. We are on our backs on the deck, and Ella is wishing on a star like she always used to whenever we went outside to watch them. Her hands are folded together and held closely to her chest. Her eyes are squinted shut and she looks to be whispering. I smile involuntarily at the beautiful memory. Caroline must have taken the photograph a long time ago, when our marriage was still good. Well, our marriage was never good. She must have taken it while we were still together. The frame reads: "My daddy. He was my first love."

"Daddy? Is that you?" A small voice asks from behind me. Happy tears well in my eyes. My little girl is calling me for the first time in years. Her voice is as silky as it always has been. I turn around to see her and smile as wide as I can as I take in her beauty. Her blue eyes sparkle as they bore into mine. "Daddy!" She cries in familiarity. I practically run to her bedside and envelope her in a hug. Ella. Ella is right here in my arms. I am holding her. She loves me and remembers me. I pull back and kiss her forehead. She has tears in her eyes, too.

"I missed you, my little Ellaphant." I wipe the tears from her cheeks and hug her again. She is as breathtakingly gorgeous as she has always been. Her platinum blonde hair is very short, just grown back in from her latest round of chemo. Her eyes are as beautiful and deep as the sea. Her pallid skin is soft. Her radiant and youthful smile reveals a row of crooked white teeth. We sit together for the longest time, just holding each other and crying happy tears. I almost forget about the tiny teddy bear, but manage to extend my shaking hand to give it to her. She looks at it lovingly and hugs it to her chest, declaring its name Lulu.

"I wished on stars every night that you were gone, Daddy. I wished that you would come back. Mommy told me not to talk about you anymore, but I was bad. I talked about you to God." Her sweet innocence is refreshing. All of the lies are hard to keep up with; It's nice to be able to be completely honest with someone, even if it's only because I'm not giving her the full story.

"I wished on stars, too, baby," I pause to smile at her and hold her closer. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too, daddy. God told me that you loved me and that you wanted to see me. He told me that you would be safe, and that he had a special angel to watch over you. He promised me we would be together again soon." She pauses and looks at the doorway. "Is that a nurse?"

I look over my shoulder to find Paige leaning against the wall. "No, sweetie," I tell her, "She is one of Daddy's friends. Her name is Paige and she is very excited to meet you." Ella waves bouncily at Paige before turning her attention back to me.

"Miss Eden told me that I was going to get a new mommy and a new daddy. I don't need a new daddy now because you're back." She leans in close to my ear to whisper something. "Paige is pretty. She could be my new mommy." She pulls back to see my bewildered expression."What?" She asks, completely oblivious of the deep meaning of what she's just said. I just smile fondly in return. I motion for Paige to come further into the room. Ella pulls her in for a hug.

A cool March breeze flows in through the window, and Ella shivers in her meager hospital gown. Paige rushes to close the window and I cover Ella in her blankets as she lies back down in bed. It is then that I noticed the wires. It is then that I recognize the IV ports and tubes in her arms. Her sheer elegance has distracted me from seeing how small and fragile her delicate frame has become. The little red spots and fever have gone completely unnoticed until now. So have the bruises hat cover her arms and legs. I put my hand on her forehead and feel her fever. My little girl is sick. _Really _sick.

The sudden stab of loss I feel is to be expected. My heart breaks again and again. The short moment that I was on top of the world is over. My stomach churns and something in the back of my mind is telling me to give up hope. But I will never give in to it. The dominant part of my brain shouts at me to keep fighting, to keep her fighting. It swallows the dejected thoughts and the tears that come to my eyes evaporate. We will fight for her. She will not die.


	7. Confessing and Professing

The nurse—who I discovered is named Rina—leaves after the eleven p.m. check in. Ella is peacefully dreaming away in her bed. She looks happy. I shame myself that I ever saw her cry. Happiness should always be her sole emotion. Maybe love or hope can get mixed in there too, but I'll kick the ass of anybody that makes my daughter sad. I grimace as I realize my ass should have been kicked a long time ago. Paige comes back into the room from her run downtown to get takeout. We sit down at Ella's coloring table to eat our Chinese. Sesame chicken never looked so good. My hunger has been amplified significantly by the satiating of my need to see Ella. I'm sure the "barely eating for almost two weeks" didn't help it much, either. Paige and I sit silently as we devour our food, hardly taking our eyes off of the angel in the bed.

"She's very special," Paige murmurs, angling her chair towards the bed. "With the way she loves you, it's hard to believe any court would have the heart to take her away." We sit in silence a little while longer. I take a deep breath and begin again.

"You remember when I told you that Caroline lied to the court to keep her full custody?" Paige nods slowly. "She didn't lie. I couldn't come to terms with my problems. My marriage was falling apart and work was hard to come by." The words begin to tumble out. "So I began drinking. It became an addiction really fast. Why face my problems when I could drown them in alcohol? I lost control of myself, Paige. I lost who I was for a while. I did crazy things." I shudder in loathing. "I think I even hit her once or twice. I hate myself every day for it. Not facing my issues created more. I lost the most important thing to me in the world because I was a coward." Paige stares at me with cryptic eyes. Their iciness is unnerving. I shift in my seat.

"Why did you lie to me, Mike? Why did you lie to all of us?" She asks after a moment, sounding wounded.

"I was afraid. I was afraid of what you would all think. You know, ex-alcoholic who lost everything because of his own stupidity… not exactly a great first impression. Graceland was my opportunity to start over, to have no record or reputation. When I went back to Quantico, it straightened me out, taught me to face my problems head on; I realized today that by not telling you, I was just running from my problems again, and I can't do that. But I guess I wasn't ready to admit that to myself until now. I needed to tell you, to tell someone." I swallow the lump in my throat and look away from her in shame.

"Mike, you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You recognized the problem you had and you reinvented yourself. You have to give yourself credit for that. I get why you lied, but you can't lie to us, Mike. We are your family. You don't lie to family. We would have understood. You're one of the most amazing people I know. Be strong. Be strong for Ella." She looks me dead in the eye and I nod. "I'm glad you told me."

"I am too." We sit in silence for what feels like an eternity to me.

"Ella said you could be her new mom," I say softly, chuckling. Paige locks gazes with me, looking a little lost. "It just means she likes you, Paige." She doesn't look mollified. "Don't feel weird about it."

"But how do you feel about it?" Her stare is fiery, her expression intense. I don't exactly know how to respond. "How do you feel about a….an 'us'?" My heart beat quickens in my chest.

"An 'us'? Paige, what I feel for you is different than anything I've ever felt before." A stab of guilt plagues me. "It's different from what Caroline and I had. It's so much more… like a drop of water compared to an endless sea. I'm only sure of one thing between us right now, and it's that I don't want to lose you." My heart wrenches at the thought. Paige has been my fallback. She listens to me and understands. She's been a saint throughout this whole process of grief and worry. She stands strong for me because I can't.

"You're so sweet, Mike, and you're such a good father. You do what is right without hesitation. You're tender and kind and sensitive. You aren't afraid to cry." Boy have we demonstrated that one. "Losing you scares the hell out of me, and I worry about what might happen here if…" Paige trails off, knowing she's treading in hot water. I move from my seat to clean up our empty cartons. "I just need to be with you. No games or tricks. Because… Because I love you, Mike." My heart skips a beat.

"And I love you, Paige. More than my own life." Takeout cartons forgotten, I cross the room and envelope my love in a tight embrace. She returns the physical connection and lays her head on my shoulder.

"Tell me again," She whispers seductively.

"I love you," I whisper, short for breath. She pulls back and our eyes meet, tender gray to intense blue. We move our faces closer, our lips nearly touching, until we can go no further. I feel her hot breath on my face. I take her head in my hands and our lips meet. The electricity is all there, the love and passion expressed by the motion. Our tongues intertwine as I begin to feel whole again. But the kiss means more than a kiss. It is the connection of our two souls, the holding of each other's hearts. I wrap my hands around her waist as she fists through my hair with her hands. Something blossoms inside of me that I haven't felt in a while. My insides beam as I bask in this thing called love.


	8. Threats

Sunlight is streaming through the windows when my eyes slowly drift open. The entire setting is absolutely perfect. Soft sheets cling to my frame and a comfortable mattress caves under my weight, shaping perfectly to my body. But best of all, I am in the arms of the one I love. Her head is laid delicately on my chest and her hair is strewn over her bare back. Oh, Paige. I watch intently as her chest falls and rises steadily. She's beautiful when she sleeps.

My heart warms at the sight of her beautiful body intertwined with mine. Last night was perfect. I smile in reminiscence of her hands all over my body and of mine on hers. The taste of her tongue, the soft texture of her ripe lips, the sensation of her; they all are fresh in my mind. My body tingles. I've just made love to the only woman I've ever truly loved. Paige is my one true love. She is the sun in my world of never ending darkness.

I shift carefully to avoid waking her up. I gently slide out from under her and make my way into the bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror. What is this? Who is the person standing before me? Who am I? Do I really even know? My mind races as the intoxicating pleasure of the previous night wares off. Being with Paige has been a sweet, sweet, escape from reality, but at some point I'll have to admit to myself that it will never last. We're undercover agents; we weren't meant to be. I sigh and push myself away from the mirror, out of its painful reflection. A tear comes to my eye as I clothe myself and head for the door. None of this is real. It can't be.

When I arrive at the hospital, I enter Ella's room to find her missing. Where is she? A four year old little girl in a hospital gown and hooked up to an IV shouldn't be hard to look after. Would the nurses notice her wandering the halls and stop her? If they really know what they're doing, the answer is "Hell yes." I wader to the nurses' station and ask Rina about my daughter's absence.

"Oh! She left twenty minutes ago for her massage therapy," Rina explains with a smile. I breathe out a sigh of relief. "It's perfectly rational that you were worried, but you don't need to be. We won't let that little one out of our sight." I smile kindly at her before walking back to the room.

I sit down on the green couch and rest my head in my hands. What the hell am I doing here? I'm just ruining everything. Ella had a chance at a happy life without my interfering, but now that I have, she won't want anything else. She doesn't understand that I'm not good for her. She could have been adopted by some nice family that could give her anything and everything she needs. I'm just making a mess of this. I mentally try to find one thing in my life that I haven't screwed up.

There is a knock at the door before a man who looks to be in about his mid thirties pokes his head in. He wears a dark pair of jeans and a blazer with his white v-neck shirt. The man's tan form is crowned with a nest of perfectly combed brown hair. He has a very professional look about him. He looks around the room but stops cold when he sees me sitting on the couch. I eye him suspiciously. He cautiously steps in.

"Maybe I'm in the wrong room…" He mumbles softly to himself. "I could have sworn the nurse said that this was Ella's room—"

"You're here to see Ella?" I interrupt his musings. He stops his fumbling and stares at me.

"Yes…?"

"This is her room." I watch him with a slightly hostile glint in my eyes. "Who are you?"

"I'm Elliot Rimon," He states more confidently than before, "and I'm the man who's supposed to adopt Ella. I was supposed to be here yesterday with my wife, but she was ill, so we couldn't make it. I came today instead." Well, he's a talker. I asked for his name and he gave me a freaking novel. I can't help but feel a little jealous when I look at this man. He's married, clearly, and is on his way to adding a child into their family. And not just any child; _my _child. "And you are?"

Oh look, he's impatient, too. "I'm Mike Warren," I spit at him indignantly, "and I am Ella's father." His face contorts into an expression of confusion and discomfort. He opens his mouth like he's going to say something but nothing comes out.

"But… I thought you were out of the picture. At least that's what Eden said…" Elliot says half to himself, it seems. "You were _way _gone according to what I heard." He chuckles to himself slightly hysterically. "I guess not even a restraining order would keep you away if you're already here against a court's ruling," He mutters.

"Are you threatening me, _Mr. Rimon?_" Elliot stands up a little taller this time and cocks his face in the most arrogant grin possible.

"So what if I am? It wouldn't make a difference anyway. All I have to do is call the court up and tell them you're overstepping your legal boundaries. You'll be back on a plane to whatever hole you crawled out of in no time." Elliot cockily stares at me. "I mean, look at you. You're a mess. Alcoholic and abusive ….the list goes on and on. You don't deserve Ella. She needs someone who can take care of her. She needs someone who didn't already break her heart. You left the girl once; who's to say you won't do it again?"

My anger boils over as his words sink in. The heat rushes to my cheeks as the anger spreads through my body with a bite like venom. "You crooked, cocky, son of a bitch!" My fists clench and I pull back, ready to connect them with his face. Elliot crumbles to the floor to protect himself from the blow. All I feel is my anger. I want to beat this guy into the next century. My hands ache to bruise him and make him black and blue, but something is pulling me away from him. I'm better than this. If I do this I'll only be the monster he told me I was. I can't give him that satisfaction. I lower my arms and force them to my sides. My control is slipping.

"Stay away from my daughter, you bastard." And with that I walk out the door, leaving Mr. Rimon in a heap on the floor.


	9. Hello, Goodbye

A monitor beeps and I jolt awake. The sun is high in the sky. I momentarily panic. Where am I? I catch my breath as I remember I am in the hospital with Ella. I probably fell asleep last night after my exhausting follow up argument with Mr. Rimon. I watch her out of the corner of my eyes and see the ultra wide grin plastered on her face. She's trying hard to hold it together and be quiet, but a traitorous giggle escapes her lips. I cup a hand to my ear as if I'm listening for something. She quiets down in anticipation.

"I thought I heard an Ellaphant." She giggles as I use her favorite nickname. I turn to face her. "I did! I did hear an Ellaphant!" I scramble off of the couch and run over to her bedside. She laughs as I gently tickle her. She screeches in glee.

"Daddy!" She giggles, thrashing. I relieve her and move my hands back to my sides. She smiles her biggest grin and I laugh. We settle down after getting a warning look from a passing nurse, electing to hang out and watch cartoons.

"Miss Paige was here earlier," Ella says without moving her eyes from the television screen. "I wanted to wake you up but she said we should let you sleep. You slept a long time. She played Candy Land with me and we colored in my coloring books. She even held my hand while the doctor poked me," Ella rambles. Paige was here already? How long did I sleep? I look briefly at the clock and it tells me that it's almost noon. I'm glad Paige was here and bonded with Ella. Ella needs a female role model.

"That was nice of her. Did you tell her thank you?"

"Yeah. I like her. Miss Paige is even better than Miss Eden." Miss Eden runs the foster service Ella is a part of. We play I spy and draw for a little while until angel falls asleep. I sit on the side of her bed and gently brush the hair from her face. Watching her sleep is one of my favorite things to do.

"Morning, sleeping beauty," Paige speaks softly to me from the doorway. "You were out for about thirteen hours. It's pretty impressive. Not even Briggs sleeps that long." Shit. Briggs. I was supposed to call him when I got a chance. It's been over two days since my flight landed. I surely should have had time to call him.

"Hey. Ella liked that you were here this morning. You beat Miss Eden in her book." Paige smiles lovingly at Ella. "Can you stay in here with her for a little while? I need a shower desperately." She nods and sits down next to the bed. I move out to the hallway and take an elevator down. Hailing a cab, I exhale the breath I've been holding since we arrived in New York. I need to stay positive for  
Ella or she'll freak, but it's so hard. I just got her back, and I don't think I'll be able to tolerate losing her now. I pick up my cell to dial the number and stop when I see that I have nineteen missed calls. In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best idea to completely abandon my phone for two weeks.

I go through the list of calls. Seven are from my "shrink," four from Briggs, and eight are from Abby. Holy shit. I missed our date. I haven't answered her calls or called her back. I completely disappeared. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her. I quickly change the number that I dial into my cell.

_"Hello?"_ Abby's sweet voice comes through the receiver.

"Hey, Abby, it's Mike," I state emotionless. I have no emotions left. She gasps and then sighs in almost tangible relief.

_ "Mike! Where have you been? What's going on? I called but you didn't pick up and you missed our date and—"_

"I know. I'm so sorry. There was a… situation."

_"A situation? What happened? Where are you?"_ It's time to drop the bomb on her. My heart contorts and leaps into my throat as I question whether or not I should tell her the truth. I can't get in too deep with her or she could catch me in a lie. What if I tell her too much?

"I'm in New York to visit my niece in the hospital," I lie smoothly. It hurts, though. Lying about Ella feels so wrong.

_"The hospital? Oh my God, what happened?"_

"Leukemia. She just got diagnosed. My sister, Katherine, is a mess about it. She lost her husband to cancer, so this is scaring the shit out of her," The lies continue. I don't even have a sister.

_"Holy shit, Mike. That's terrible. I'm so sorry. That… that really sucks. I've just been really worried about you. When you didn't call for a couple days, I thought you were just really busy. But when you didn't show up for our date, I got really shaken up. I called you and texted you, I looked for you at the bar… I panicked. Why didn't you pick up your phone?"_

"Abby, I was just really, really busy. I had to look after my sister and my niece, get a flight and book a hotel, talk to the doctors… It's been a lot Abby."

_"But I didn't once cross your mind? You couldn't call me to tell me you were in New York or that you were going to miss our date?"_

"You know, Abby, that's really selfish. Yes, you crossed my mind. I'm just drained by everything. You could be a little understanding, considering my current situation."

_"Selfish? You're the one who disappeared without a word. How dare you accuse me of being selfish! I was just worried, you bastard! I am being relatively understanding considering the fact that you ditched our date, didn't call, had me worried sick, and then when you finally call, act like a douche bag! Fuck you, Mike!" _She screams at me and hangs up. I lean back in my seat, dodging curious glances from the cab driver. This isn't getting easier. I just need answers and some peace. I just want to walk away from everything. I can't breathe freely. I haven't been able to since I heard. Everything is piling on, and, one of these days, the stack is going to topple over.


	10. Who is it?

Chemotherapy is hard. Watching her go through it is like pouring alcohol in a cut— necessary but adverse. I rub gentle circles on Ella's back as she is violently sick. Her breathing slowly evens out as the vomiting ceases. She leans back into me on the bed, exhausted from the whole ordeal. I wrap my arms around her and hold her there in a hug.

"It hurts, Daddy," Ella whispers. And I know it hurts. But no matter what we do, time will march on. She'll get through it. A tear slips down her cheek. Paige sits silently in the far corner absorbing the scene, overwhelmed by the situation. Seeing Ella hurt is clearly as hard on her as on me.

"I know, baby, I know. I wish I could take the hurt away." There is a knock at the door and a head pops in. I shift to see who is standing there and my eyes widen tremendously as realization dawns upon me. I know that face. I motion for Paige to come sit with Ella as I exit the room.

"Where are you going, Daddy?" Ella asks quietly. I turn and look towards her. She looks saddened by my leaving her side. I've been gone enough.

"I promise I'll be right back, baby." I step out into the hallway and close the door.

"_Daddy. _You have no right to be called that." The woman hisses indignantly at me. The disgust in her voice is so thick that I could cut it with a knife. But I expect the words she throws at me.

"Nice to see you, too, Eileen," I sarcastically greet her. A grin sweeps over her face and envelopes her features as she plays along.

"How are you, son?" Eileen inquires cockily, not really caring what the answer is. She's never cared before; why start now?

"What the hell are you doing here?" I snap at her, totally disregarding the mother-son role play we had going.

"Oh please, Michael, don't be so dramatic. She is my granddaughter. Just because I disowned you doesn't mean I disowned your child."

"Why are you here?" I press her further. Her presence is so… irking.

"I flew up here as soon as I heard. Poor dear. Going through this entire thing alone. That's a lot to ask of a four year old, you know."

"And what am I? Chopped liver? She isn't alone. She has me." Eileen sighs before responding.

"Yes. She has an abusive alcoholic father with her. Honestly, Michael, what's the difference? It's not like you can do her any good by being here." She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. "I know what you said to Mr. Rimon. She had a shot with that family. Now she has no chance of being adopted by them. You know that no matter what happens, Ella can't just go back to living with you." She covers her eyes with her hand in exasperation as she continues to speak. "Why can't you be more like your brother? He's married and happy. His children adore him and Sylvie loves him. Why did you have to go and screw up your life? As a child you had such lofty dreams, such high aspirations. You had so much potential… And all of that for what? A quick marriage, accidental kid, and an even quicker divorce." She moves her hand away and looks at me with sadness in her eyes. "What was the point, Michael? Because I don't see one."

Her words have stunned me into silence. What was the point? _What was the point? _I almost explode with anger, but somehow I manage to not lash out. The point was to try to make it work, to raise our child to have values and morals. The point was to make a better life for ourselves, to find out if we were better with or without each other. The point was to live and be happy. And then she has the nerve to ask me what the point was.

"Get out." My voice is cold, and my stare is chilling. This woman who made every day of my life a living hell needs to leave. If she doesn't, I will do something that I will regret. She looks surprised by my words, her jaw dropping. But she regains her composure quickly.

"What did you just say to me, young man?"

"Get out._ Now." _I am losing my control. Any second now, I'll snap. I can feel it. The sensation is gnawing at my bones, slithering up my spine. She straightens up and looks me dead in the eye with an evil stare.

"You always did have a terrible temper… And look where it's gotten you." She storms off without another word. No "Goodbye, son!" or "See you later!" No "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in three years."

My heart aches. I really don't want to fight with my mother, but our personalities clash. Nothing has worked between us since Caroline and I divorced. I swallow hard. Caroline was a great girl, but that's what she was. She was just a girl. She wasn't emotionally mature enough to be anything more to me than that. She wasn't the one. I sigh and drift back into the world of the living, exiting my reverie.

I step back into the room and quietly make my way to the bedside. Ella has drifted off. I try to dodge Paige's questioning glances, but one of them lands on me like a spotlight and I am caught.

"Who was that at the door?" She curiously asks me. I don't know why I do it, but I do. I want so badly to tell her, but that is the last thing she needs right now. It is enough that _I _know my mother dropped by; Paige doesn't need that. So I lie.

"Just someone with the wrong room," I play it off casually. She accepts my answer without any doubt in her eyes and I know I have her. I hate lying to her, but sometimes it's just easier this way. She's too deep in my dark life anyway. There's no reason to keep digging. But I'm running out of excuses, and Ella is running out of time.


End file.
